and the confusion continues...

i dont know what the hell is going on with ivan. things with mario and i just like... stopped. everything was great while i was away and now i havent seen or heard from him. and im not making the first move any more. as for ivan, we had been talking a lot for the last couple months. relationship-wise, we were on the same page with the people we were dating and we were discussing it and giving each other advice. then i spent the night at his place, he gave me a massage, made me breakfast in the morning. we didnt have sex, we didnt even do anything sexual. then things just kind of escalated. i was his date to his friends wedding, we have been hanging out a lot more. sunday night it just kind of happened. i think the last time we had sex, it was kind of half-assed cause he was still all into cougy. this time, oh my god it was amazing. like almost better than i remember it to be when we were together. i was super surprised at how good it was, actually. i didnt get butterflies or feel overly emotional, it was just good sex. kissing him didnt take my breath away, and that is what counts most for me. i want to be left breathless. honestly, mario has that effect on me. every single time. i think thats why im so infatuated with him and why with ivan im just meh. oscar wants to talk to him and see whats going on from his point of view. i cant believe how my relationship with that boy has changed over the years. he's on my side. he said that he can tell that i've always loved ivan and that when i look at him i still give him eyes and vice versa. i just want to see how things play out. i absolutely love him, but i dont know whats going to happen. im just taking things one day at a time and letting nature take its course.