i should really know better than to get my hopes up. sometimes when things are too good to be true, it's just that.

i thought things were going well with bryan. we have a lot in common, we're getting to know each other better, we get into trouble together. but he's bipolar. clinically diagnosed, type 2. and doesn't medicate. so it shouldnt come as a surprise when he gets distant and starts having an episode. i should just let it go and ride it out. but when days like sunday happen, where things are incredible and we have a great time and we spend time with his family and the monster, it's hard to accept days like yesterday where he decides that he can't handle his emotions and needs to withdraw and be introspective and figure his shit out. i don't get it. i understand, logically, that its part of the disorder, but it still hurts. i remember now what it was like growing up around this and how much it hurts.

its taken so much effort for me to not text or message him today. i want to know what he's doing with the little monster and how his day has been. and i want someone to stay up all night with. and someone to study with.

he told me from the beginning that he didn't want to hurt me, and i'm afraid that he has. i just wish i could let go and trust him and be sure that he'll be back. im not, and that is what scares me the most.

here i am reminding myself to breathe and that things will workout however they're supposed to. it so much easier to give advice than to take it.